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Introduction
 
Why, you may wonder, a book on surviving Dick Cheney? He’s not going to shoot you. Or at least, the odds aren’t that high. You’re probably not rich or powerful enough to be invited on one of his hunting trips. And besides, he’s a bad shot.
 
Well, once you think about it, there actually are plenty of bad things Dick Cheney could do to you. He could start a war on a false pretext and send your friends and children off to fight in it. He could drive oil prices up so high that you will no longer be able to commute. He could raise your debt to a preposterously high level (while telling you that “deficits don’t matter”). He could tap your phone without your knowledge and post your conversations on a local bulletin board. He could hire thugs to torture your family—no explanation required.
 
When people truly grasp the concept of Dick Cheney, they become scared. Really scared. “I had a nightmare the other night,” they remember, “and it was about the vice president!” Or they realize, “When my toddler saw him on TV, she burst into tears and ran from the room!” Or they recall, “That’s the man whose face broke my mirrors and whose voice made the dog howl.”
 
Dick Cheney isn’t just the vice president of the United States anymore. He is something much larger and more intimidating. Dick Cheney is the scariest man in America.
 
You can see and hear the signs all across the country. Parents warn their children that if they don’t eat their broccoli, Dick Cheney will get them. Teachers tell students that if they skip classes, the principal will sic Dick Cheney on them. Girl Scouts sit around campfires, shocking each other with hideous yarns about Dick Cheney.
 
As the months pass, the Dick Cheney legend only grows. Hollywood has been flooded with high-concept Dick Cheney scripts: Innocent people turning into him when bitten by young Republicans. Dick takes on Damien, spawn of the Antichrist. Jason versus Freddy versus Dick. Alien versus Predator versus the Vice President. Bride of Cheney. Son of Cheney. Darth Cheney. Dick Cheney Takes Over the Whole Goddamn World, Enslaves the Human Race, and Marries Satan.
 
Meanwhile, historians have uncovered pictures of Dick Cheney on the Titanic. His photo was found in Lizzie Borden’s purse and in Jack the Ripper’s backpack. Anthropologists have discovered his likeness on totem polls, and archeologists have unearthed his image in ancient ruins.
 
The bottom line in America today: You don’t have to be a Democrat to fear Dick Cheney. Polls show his approval rating hovers below Michael Jackson’s numbers during his trial for alleged child molestation, or O. J. Simpson’s while he was on trial for killing his wife. People are afraid. Very afraid.
 
So the next time the full moon rises and vampire bats fly shrieking from their caves, don’t take to the hills. Take out a copy of Duck! for cover. Besides giving you advice, consolation, and companionship, it’s less smelly than garlic, cheaper than a silver bullet, and doesn’t need to be blessed by a priest.
 
Gene Stone and the Dick Cheney Survival Bible Squad:
 
Polly King
Carl Pritzkat
Miranda Spencer
Tony Travostino
Jen White
 
March 2006
 
Please visit our website: TheDickCheneySurvivalBible.com
 
 
6 Vice-Presidential Duties
 
In his book Vice Presidents of the United States, 1789– 1993, former senator Mark Hatfield called the office of the vice presidency “the least understood, most ridiculed, and most often ignored constitutional office in the federal government.”
 
Here are some reasons why; this is what the veep actually does.
 
1. The vice president holds office for the same duration as the president (four years) and must meet the same criteria as the commander in chief. Namely: Be at least thirty-five years old, a natural-born U.S. citizen, and a resident of the United States for at least fourteen years. The rationale: He (or she) can become president at any minute.
 
2. The vice president serves as the number two official in the executive branch of United States government and is first in line of succession. This means he takes over the job if the president dies (Lincoln), resigns (Nixon), or is removed from office (Clinton—almost). Ditto if the president is temporarily unable to do his job (as when Ronald Reagan underwent colon surgery).
 
3. The vice president is the president of the U.S. Senate. This mostly ceremonial job has two main components:
 
a. Overseeing procedural matters. Early veeps such as John Adams and Thomas Jefferson took a heavy hand in running the Senate’s day-to-day affairs, and their decisions were set in stone. Later veeps have been actively involved or lackadaisical, depending on their personalities and preferences. In the twentieth century, they’ve usually had their hands full with other concerns (such as heading energy task forces). Thus the Senate is usually run by a president pro tempore, selected by its members.
 
b. Voting to break a stalemate. This role kicks in when all one hundred Senate members vote and are split fifty-fifty. It’s the only time the vice president gets to vote.
 
This seldom happens; tiebreaking votes have been needed only 233 times in the country’s history. Then again, Dick Cheney is among the top ten vice presidents with the greatest number of tiebreaking votes (seven). The privilege came in handy early in the Bush II administration, when the Senate was evenly divided along party lines; Dick Cheney gave the Republicans a fifty-one to fifty majority.
 
4. In the presence of Congress, the standing vice president is the one who opens and counts all electoral votes for the offices of president and vice president in a national election.
 
5. The vice president is authorized to nominate individuals to the United States Military, Naval, and Air Force academies (but not the Coast Guard or Merchant Marine academies).
 
If you or your child wants to attend West Point, you must write to the vice president personally.
 
6. The vice president handles unofficial jobs. Most of the time, the vice president does whatever the president finds for him or allows him to do. Some of the assignments essayed by modern veeps include the following:
 
• Attend cabinet meetings
 
• Serve on the National Security Council
 
• Head or participate on commissions and task forces
 
• Advise the president on matters of policy according to their own expertise
 
• Represent the U.S. government to foreign heads of state
 
• Help balance the ticket at election time, and provide a successor for a two-term president that keeps the prevailing party in power
 
As envisioned by the framers of the Constitution, the vice president is not supposed to exploit his position by lobbying or strong-arming Congress or otherwise acting partisan. Of course, that concept is so 1776.