His Rules: God's Practical Road Map for Becoming and Attracting Mr. or Mrs. Right
256
His Rules: God's Practical Road Map for Becoming and Attracting Mr. or Mrs. Right
256eBook
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Overview
Some worldly “experts” may sound sexy but don’t offer the spiritual tools you need to address the real-life pains, temptations, and fears associated with the dating experience. Quickie solutions won’t cut it, and neither will a wait-and-see approach. You want God’s views–His rules for becoming and attracting a lifelong mate. This book offers the answers you’ve been seeking.
·Rule 1: Make Sure Your Map Isn’t Upside Down (Get a clue about what real relationships are about, for your own sake!)
·Rule 5: Clean House (If your internal house is dirty, how can you invite folks to come live with you?)
·Rule 6: Put the Kingdom Above the Booty (God’s not getting relationship rules from Sex and the City, so why are you?)
·Rule 11: Stop Looking Back (Crying about what could’ve been keeps you from what can be.)
·Rule 15: Handle the Heat (Learn how to tame the fire, or get out of the kitchen.)
·Plus eleven more rules for avoiding relationship disasters.
Using wit, straight talk, and real-life illustrations, His Rules explores relationship guidelines singles can follow as they seek out lifelong love. These no-nonsense relationship rules will equip you to get closer to God, challenge you to clean up your act in preparation for a mate, and give you the savvy you need to distinguish a godly mate from an imposter.
Because when you commit to following God’s guidance, your relationship will not only work–it will last.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780307551665 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Random House Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 12/24/2008 |
| Sold by: | Random House |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 256 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
Pamela A. Toussaint is the acclaimed coauthor of such books as Mama’s Little Baby, Boys into Men, and I Call You Friend. A popular speaker, she began her career as a magazine editor and has published articles in various Christian and secular magazines. She has also made numerous television appearances and was featured in a one-hour ABC/Lifetime television special. Pamela is a graduate of New York City’s Fordham University, where she earned a B.A. in communications.
Read an Excerpt
His Rules
By Christopher L. Burge and Pamela Toussaint
Random House
Christopher L. Burge and Pamela ToussaintAll right reserved.
ISBN: 1578569583
Chapter One
From Rule 6: Put the Kingdom Above the Booty, page 83:
Like Samson, many of us ignore the truth about someone we find attractive. We dig in our heels, fold our arms, and boldly declare that bad is good when it comes to our relationship choices. Despite advice to the contrary, we still insist, "She/he pleases me well." If you find yourself thinking any of the following about people you are going out with, you need a dose of God's truth, or you are headed for a fall:
• I just know I can fix him/her. We cannot even fix ourselves, that's why we needed a Savior! So how can we fix other folks, especially when they may resist being fixed? God would not give you an unsaved or unhealthy marriage partner to sap
all of your energy and render you useless in the kingdom.
If your love interest needs work, it's likely to be work he or she should be doing with the Holy Spirit-alone. Your presence will only hinder the process. Don't date anyone until God fixes the major issues in that person first!
• I've invested too much time and energy to quit now. We see the Doppler radar screen flashing: severe tornado warning: vacate premises immediately, but we decide to sit tight and see if it will pass. What happens if it doesn't? You may survive-though just barely-to findthat your roof is blown off and it will take years to rebuild.
• I'm scared of what he/she might do if I leave him/her. You should be more scared of what might happen to your self-esteem, self-respect, and peace of mind if you stay. Your choices are the only ones God holds you responsible for-only you can choose what's best for yourself.seeDeut30:19 Lamentations 1:9 warns, She did not consider her destiny; therefore her collapse was awesome. Do what you should do (break up nicely), and trust God to do what He does best (comfort and restore both of you-separately).
• Well, it's better than being alone. You think a bad relationship is worse than no relationship? Wrong. The danger of spending time with the wrong person is that it can cause soul ties to form: They start out as threads, become wires, and before long there's a cable tied around your neck, choking you. You are never alone if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ. And you have so much to work on to get yourself ready for the special-sauce mate He has for you, you don't have time to give in to loneliness!
• But I luuuv him/her! Ah, yes. Love can do many things, but it cannot conquer another person's weak character or usurp someone's will and force him or her to change. True love allows the loved one to experience the consequences of his or her decisions. As my (Chris's) pastor, Dr. A. R. Bernard, often says, "Suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret."
Excerpted from His Rules by Christopher L. Burge and Pamela Toussaint Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Reading Group Guide
1. Rule 1 — Make Sure Your Relationship Road Map Isn’t Upside Down
After reading this rule, what beliefs about marriage have you now found to be false beliefs? Do you believe that marriage is based on principles, not feelings? Elaborate.
Are you willing to let go of those beliefs and replace them with God’s truth? Which ones are the hardest to let go of and “turn northward?” Deut. 2:3
Which one of the truths about marriage concern you the most? Examine/discuss why.
Discuss ways you have invested in your relationship with God over the past year? How does the time amount of time and energy you invested compare to the time spent trying to find or attract a mate?
2. Rule 2 — Meet Your Personal Mentor
Describe the last time you did what God wanted you to do instead of what you wanted to do. Is that more the rule in your life or the exception?
What are some roles our Personal Mentor, the Holy Spirit plays in our lives? Describe the ones you’ve known Him as personally.
Use adjectives to describe your “inner self portrait.” How do your descriptions line up with God’s view of you?
Do you have an established quiet time each day? If not, what adjustments will you need to make to make that appointment paramount to your daily life?
In what areas is your Personal Mentor asking you to submit right now?
3. Rule 3 — Know the Plan
What is the thing you heart burns to accomplish in the world? Write it out and share it with the group. (Use the 12 questions on page 35 and 38 to help you.)
Is the career or job you’re in right now reflectiveof the vision He’s put in your heart? If not, what steps have you taken/can you take to align yourself with His plan for you?
What were some points from Chris’ Living It Out story that struck you?
How can you use your gifts and talents to serve the body of Christ this year?
If any, what “Plan Stoppers” may keep you from taking the steps you outlined above? (p 39) How can you change your self-talk to get in line with God’s Antidotes? (p 39)
4. Rule 4 — Practice Intimacy Now
Like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, are you “sure of” God, or is the jury still out? Examine what areas your intimacy with Him is lacking.
Are there any closets of your life that you have not invited Him into? If so, what will you do to let Him in?
Do any of the ‘barriers to cultivating transparency with God’ apply to you? (p 49) Examine. Do you need to do a Hezekiah and ‘turn your face toward the wall’ in order to get right with Him?
What, if anything, about Ellen’s ‘Living it Out’ story do you relate to?
5. Rule 5 — Clean House
Are you the type of healthy person you would want God to send you as a mate? If not, pinpoint your “grimy corners.”
Examine your behavioral history as well as any past hurts or traumas you’ve experienced. Keep note of them and ask your Personal Mentor to lead you in how to receive forgiveness and restoration.
Enlarge and photocopy the genogram on page 68. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you what about your family history to pray further into. Use the prayers on pages 69-71 as a guide. Commit yourself to seeking further counseling and prayer as you are led.
6. Rule 6 — Put the Kingdom Above the Booty
Prayerfully search your heart and ask: what truths do I need to embrace about how I’ve done in past relationships? Jot them down. In your next quiet time, tell Jesus the truth about your mistakes.
Based on ‘The Voids’ outlined chapter 6 (pgs 70-84), which ones are you looking for another person to fill? Go to the Lord and ask him to fill them for you?
What are some of the “rationalizations” you’ve used to justify continuing in an unhealthy or ungodly relationship?
Which of the two triangle diagrams on page 94 best represents your last or current relationship? Did you put seeking first the kingdom above seeking first the ‘booty?’
Are you a good steward over your emotions before soul ties form? Think about exactly how compromises in this area have cost you emotionally and spiritually.
7. Rule 7 — Recognize Stop Signs:
If the person you are currently dating never changes, could you be happy?
Do you know what biblical peace is and how God guides you with it? Do you know what it feels like when it’s not there? If not, ask God to show it to you clearly.
Do you have peace about your current relationship? What areas cause you the most discomfort? Is there a nagging feeling or ‘dis-ease’ that will not go away?
What are some of the individual habits that cause you to lose peace? Is it your tongue? Ungodly expressions of anger? Violation of boundaries?
Does the person you’re dating or desire to date possess the qualities you would want in your children?
What do trusted Christians (parents, married friends, pastors) say about the person? Bring these things before God and ask Him to show you what’s true.
8. Rule 8 — Wait Don’t Whine
In your mind are there any benefits to biblical waiting? Write down what that would look like to you.
What’s the difference between passive waiting and active waiting? Which one do you tend to do more often? Address why.
What have been some of the casualties of not waiting in your past relationships?
When you look at the works of the flesh from Galatians 5 are there any behaviors that you have engaged in because you refused to wait from a biblical perspective? Which of the destructive ‘whining patterns’ outlined are you most trying to break?
What does the verse in Lamentations 1:9 mean to you? Write your answer.
What classes, courses, and hobbies are you pursuing during this season of waiting?
9. Rule 9 — Pare Down Your Pals
Who speaks godly counsel into your life? Do they have a track record that qualifies them to hold this important role?
How often do you allow them “in?”
Are there any girlfriends/buddies in your circle that you need to stop listening to? Ask God to show you this and pray for the courage to “reposition” them in your life.
10. Rule 10 — Quit Looking Back
Are there any areas of your life that you feel are holding you in bondage?
What are some areas of your life that have caused the pain of regret? (wasted time in a dysfunctional relationship; sexual misconduct; divorce; financial mismanagement; lost time...)
What does the Word of God have to say about situations like these?
Ask yourself, ‘Do I have more faith in my past or in my future?’
What are some of the ‘old glories’ you look back on wistfully? (a past relationship; public recognition you once received...)
Ask yourself the following questions: Where am I now? Where is God trying to take me? What must I do to get ready to go there? Am I willing to do it?
11. Rule 11 — Test the Soil
Have you made a list of the qualities that you need from a spouse? What are your ‘absolute musts‘? Know with clarity what you cannot live without.
What type of soil is the person you are involved with now?
Have you learned to discern the differences between good soil and the other types? What category does the person you are considering fit into? (hardened soil; gravel soil; weeds; good soil)
Ask yourself the questions under the hearing aids section about “what” you’re hearing and “how” you’re hearing it.
What is your potential Mr. or Mrs. Right’s attitude toward the Word of God? Is it the final authority in their life? If not, think seriously about who will be the arbiter when you have arguments in your home.
12. Rule 12 — Know What Mr. or Mrs. Right Needs
How much time have you spent learning the differences between men and women? Do you know what a man’s top need is? A woman’s?
If the principle is true that for relationships to succeed we must learn to do something unnatural, what is the unnatural thing you must learn to do?
Describe the “frustration cycle” in your relationship. How can you break it? If you are a man, what can you do to touch her heart and make her feel loved? If you are a woman, what must you do to touch is need to feel respected and honored?
Ladies, what do you need to change to give the man in your life peace?
Men, describe what your biblical job description is out of Ephesians 5. What does it mean to cleanse your Mrs. Right “without spot or wrinkle?”
Women, describe what your biblical job description is out of 1 Peter 3 (Amplified bible translation). What does influencing a man “without a word” look like?
Are you comfortable with these roles? Can you see yourself honoring them for a lifetime?
13. Rule 13 — Watch the Wiring
Are you expecting your Mr. or Mrs. Right to change their natural tendencies to conform to yours? Is that realistic?
Based on the charts on pages 187-193 where do you fall? We learned that our temperament strengths glorify God and our temperament weaknesses can dishonor Him and our future spouse. What type of mate do you think would complement you and draw out your own temperament strengths?
Have you learned to merge your personality types?
If you are in a relationship, what temperament "issues" have you noticed in your potential mate? Which ones, if any, do you think would cause you major stress to handle on a daily basis?
Write down what you want said about you at your funeral; let that guide you as to what you're looking for in a spouse. What are the make-or-break qualities he or she would have to exhibit in order for you to be the person you eulogized?
14. Rule 14 — Handle the Heat
Is all anger wrong?
Do you and your partner understand the danger of uncontrolled anger? Can you discuss it?
What are some of the anger issues in your relationship that cause you concern?
Have you discussed them with the other person? Did they take “ownership” for their part?
Are there any aspects of their anger that you have a tendency to put a “better spin” on things than it may deserve?
How many of the characteristics of Ephesians 4:31 have slipped into your relationship?
If you’ve discovered you brought “anger issues” into the relationship, have you apologized? Examine what the impact of that expression of anger has been on you and on your partner?
Are there any generational anger traits that you have observed when you visit their family/objectively observe your own family? Re-read Rule #5 and use the prayers at the end to address this.
15. Rule 15 — Listen More, Talk Less
What are the characteristics of a ready listener from this chapter?
Why do women talk? Why do men talk?
Are you open to what the Spirit is saying to you? How do you show it?
What are some of the biggest communication problems that you have had to deal with in your relationships? How can you articulate this to your partner? Are there repeated frustrations the other person has shared and you’ve ignored?
What insights have you gained about your partner from looking at their non-verbal responses to things?
In conversations do you seek to understand first, or do you demand to be understood?
What are the characteristics of a slow speaker?
Explain the difference between values and beliefs. Have you discussed your values and beliefs with your Mr. or Mrs. Right in the major areas of life? (child rearing; money handling; in-laws/family)
Foreword
1. Rule 1 — Make Sure Your Relationship Road Map Isn’t Upside Down
After reading this rule, what beliefs about marriage have you now found to be false beliefs? Do you believe that marriage is based on principles, not feelings? Elaborate.
Are you willing to let go of those beliefs and replace them with God’s truth? Which ones are the hardest to let go of and “turn northward?” Deut. 2:3
Which one of the truths about marriage concern you the most? Examine/discuss why.
Discuss ways you have invested in your relationship with God over the past year? How does the time amount of time and energy you invested compare to the time spent trying to find or attract a mate?
2. Rule 2 — Meet Your Personal Mentor
Describe the last time you did what God wanted you to do instead of what you wanted to do. Is that more the rule in your life or the exception?
What are some roles our Personal Mentor, the Holy Spirit plays in our lives? Describe the ones you’ve known Him as personally.
Use adjectives to describe your “inner self portrait.” How do your descriptions line up with God’s view of you?
Do you have an established quiet time each day? If not, what adjustments will you need to make to make that appointment paramount to your daily life?
In what areas is your Personal Mentor asking you to submit right now?
3. Rule 3 — Know the Plan
What is the thing you heart burns to accomplish in the world? Write it out and share it with the group. (Use the 12 questions on page 35 and 38 to help you.)
Is the career or job you’re in right nowreflective of the vision He’s put in your heart? If not, what steps have you taken/can you take to align yourself with His plan for you?
What were some points from Chris’ Living It Out story that struck you?
How can you use your gifts and talents to serve the body of Christ this year?
If any, what “Plan Stoppers” may keep you from taking the steps you outlined above? (p 39) How can you change your self-talk to get in line with God’s Antidotes? (p 39)
4. Rule 4 — Practice Intimacy Now
Like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, are you “sure of” God, or is the jury still out? Examine what areas your intimacy with Him is lacking.
Are there any closets of your life that you have not invited Him into? If so, what will you do to let Him in?
Do any of the ‘barriers to cultivating transparency with God’ apply to you? (p 49) Examine. Do you need to do a Hezekiah and ‘turn your face toward the wall’ in order to get right with Him?
What, if anything, about Ellen’s ‘Living it Out’ story do you relate to?
5. Rule 5 — Clean House
Are you the type of healthy person you would want God to send you as a mate? If not, pinpoint your “grimy corners.”
Examine your behavioral history as well as any past hurts or traumas you’ve experienced. Keep note of them and ask your Personal Mentor to lead you in how to receive forgiveness and restoration.
Enlarge and photocopy the genogram on page 68. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you what about your family history to pray further into. Use the prayers on pages 69-71 as a guide. Commit yourself to seeking further counseling and prayer as you are led.
6. Rule 6 — Put the Kingdom Above the Booty
Prayerfully search your heart and ask: what truths do I need to embrace about how I’ve done in past relationships? Jot them down. In your next quiet time, tell Jesus the truth about your mistakes.
Based on ‘The Voids’ outlined chapter 6 (pgs 70-84), which ones are you looking for another person to fill? Go to the Lord and ask him to fill them for you?
What are some of the “rationalizations” you’ve used to justify continuing in an unhealthy or ungodly relationship?
Which of the two triangle diagrams on page 94 best represents your last or current relationship? Did you put seeking first the kingdom above seeking first the ‘booty?’
Are you a good steward over your emotions before soul ties form? Think about exactly how compromises in this area have cost you emotionally and spiritually.
7. Rule 7 — Recognize Stop Signs:
If the person you are currently dating never changes, could you be happy?
Do you know what biblical peace is and how God guides you with it? Do you know what it feels like when it’s not there? If not, ask God to show it to you clearly.
Do you have peace about your current relationship? What areas cause you the most discomfort? Is there a nagging feeling or ‘dis-ease’ that will not go away?
What are some of the individual habits that cause you to lose peace? Is it your tongue? Ungodly expressions of anger? Violation of boundaries?
Does the person you’re dating or desire to date possess the qualities you would want in your children?
What do trusted Christians (parents, married friends, pastors) say about the person? Bring these things before God and ask Him to show you what’s true.
8. Rule 8 — Wait Don’t Whine
In your mind are there any benefits to biblical waiting? Write down what that would look like to you.
What’s the difference between passive waiting and active waiting? Which one do you tend to do more often? Address why.
What have been some of the casualties of not waiting in your past relationships?
When you look at the works of the flesh from Galatians 5 are there any behaviors that you have engaged in because you refused to wait from a biblical perspective? Which of the destructive ‘whining patterns’ outlined are you most trying to break?
What does the verse in Lamentations 1:9 mean to you? Write your answer.
What classes, courses, and hobbies are you pursuing during this season of waiting?
9. Rule 9 — Pare Down Your Pals
Who speaks godly counsel into your life? Do they have a track record that qualifies them to hold this important role?
How often do you allow them “in?”
Are there any girlfriends/buddies in your circle that you need to stop listening to? Ask God to show you this and pray for the courage to “reposition” them in your life.
10. Rule 10 — Quit Looking Back
Are there any areas of your life that you feel are holding you in bondage?
What are some areas of your life that have caused the pain of regret? (wasted time in a dysfunctional relationship; sexual misconduct; divorce; financial mismanagement; lost time...)
What does the Word of God have to say about situations like these?
Ask yourself, ‘Do I have more faith in my past or in my future?’
What are some of the ‘old glories’ you look back on wistfully? (a past relationship; public recognition you once received...)
Ask yourself the following questions: Where am I now? Where is God trying to take me? What must I do to get ready to go there? Am I willing to do it?
11. Rule 11 — Test the Soil
Have you made a list of the qualities that you need from a spouse? What are your ‘absolute musts‘? Know with clarity what you cannot live without.
What type of soil is the person you are involved with now?
Have you learned to discern the differences between good soil and the other types? What category does the person you are considering fit into? (hardened soil; gravel soil; weeds; good soil)
Ask yourself the questions under the hearing aids section about “what” you’re hearing and “how” you’re hearing it.
What is your potential Mr. or Mrs. Right’s attitude toward the Word of God? Is it the final authority in their life? If not, think seriously about who will be the arbiter when you have arguments in your home.
12. Rule 12 — Know What Mr. or Mrs. Right Needs
How much time have you spent learning the differences between men and women? Do you know what a man’s top need is? A woman’s?
If the principle is true that for relationships to succeed we must learn to do something unnatural, what is the unnatural thing you must learn to do?
Describe the “frustration cycle” in your relationship. How can you break it? If you are a man, what can you do to touch her heart and make her feel loved? If you are a woman, what must you do to touch is need to feel respected and honored?
Ladies, what do you need to change to give the man in your life peace?
Men, describe what your biblical job description is out of Ephesians 5. What does it mean to cleanse your Mrs. Right “without spot or wrinkle?”
Women, describe what your biblical job description is out of 1 Peter 3 (Amplified bible translation). What does influencing a man “without a word” look like?
Are you comfortable with these roles? Can you see yourself honoring them for a lifetime?
13. Rule 13 — Watch the Wiring
Are you expecting your Mr. or Mrs. Right to change their natural tendencies to conform to yours? Is that realistic?
Based on the charts on pages 187-193 where do you fall? We learned that our temperament strengths glorify God and our temperament weaknesses can dishonor Him and our future spouse. What type of mate do you think would complement you and draw out your own temperament strengths?
Have you learned to merge your personality types?
If you are in a relationship, what temperament "issues" have you noticed in your potential mate? Which ones, if any, do you think would cause you major stress to handle on a daily basis?
Write down what you want said about you at your funeral; let that guide you as to what you're looking for in a spouse. What are the make-or-break qualities he or she would have to exhibit in order for you to be the person you eulogized?
14. Rule 14 — Handle the Heat
Is all anger wrong?
Do you and your partner understand the danger of uncontrolled anger? Can you discuss it?
What are some of the anger issues in your relationship that cause you concern?
Have you discussed them with the other person? Did they take “ownership” for their part?
Are there any aspects of their anger that you have a tendency to put a “better spin” on things than it may deserve?
How many of the characteristics of Ephesians 4:31 have slipped into your relationship?
If you’ve discovered you brought “anger issues” into the relationship, have you apologized? Examine what the impact of that expression of anger has been on you and on your partner?
Are there any generational anger traits that you have observed when you visit their family/objectively observe your own family? Re-read Rule #5 and use the prayers at the end to address this.
15. Rule 15 — Listen More, Talk Less
What are the characteristics of a ready listener from this chapter?
Why do women talk? Why do men talk?
Are you open to what the Spirit is saying to you? How do you show it?
What are some of the biggest communication problems that you have had to deal with in your relationships? How can you articulate this to your partner? Are there repeated frustrations the other person has shared and you’ve ignored?
What insights have you gained about your partner from looking at their non-verbal responses to things?
In conversations do you seek to understand first, or do you demand to be understood?
What are the characteristics of a slow speaker?
Explain the difference between values and beliefs. Have you discussed your values and beliefs with your Mr. or Mrs. Right in the major areas of life? (child rearing; money handling; in-laws/family)