Read an Excerpt

***This excerpt is from an advance uncorrected proof***

Copyright © 2014 Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson 

1.





Shopping List of

Bad Behavior


Somewhere in Here You

Will Recognize Someone

You Know: YOU

Yesterday I was clever

So I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise

So I am changing myself.

—Rumi

Your Path

1. “I’VE GOT A PROBLEM.”

Say it loud. Say it clearly. Close the door if you don’t want anyone to hear you. Admitting you have a problem is the first stop on the high-functioning express: If you don’t own it, you can’t fix it. So before you do anything else, make this declaration, be it on paper, in front of the mirror, or as a mantra you repeat to yourself.


2. IDENTIFY YOUR PROBLEM.

Before you can begin to change your behavior, you must know what it is you’re changing. We’ve isolated many common problems in this chapter; one or several may be yours.


3. HOW IS YOUR BEHAVIOR AFFECTING YOUR LIFE?

How do we know when our maladaptive behaviors have crossed the line? We often don’t. And we usually have a well-worn list of excuses for how they haven’t. We’ve included a questionnaire in this chapter that will tell you if your “issues” have grown to unacceptable proportions. If you’re reading this, we’re guessing they have.


4. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THE TIME FOR CHANGE IS NOW. The time has come to commit to a better way of living. “Soon” is not a time. “After Thanksgiving” is not a time. “After I’ve finished my exams” is not a time. Now is a time. Look at your watch. Write down what time it is. Write down the date. This is the moment your new life has begun.




We are all human, thus we all make mistakes. Many of us make the same mistakes over and over and over again. In fact, we seldom make new ones because bad habits are just the repetition of mistakes, be they conscious or unconscious. Addiction enters our lives when we let the momentary pleasure or pain avoidance of those habits hijack our critical thinking and affect our behavior in ways that are either life threatening or life limiting. “Addiction,” “bad habits,” “poor life choices”—call them what you will: They all fall under the heading of “Lack of Impulse Control.”

Do you talk about something you never get around to doing? Do you make grandiose, life-changing plans you never end up realizing? Do you find yourself saying, “This is my last [fill in the blank]”: My last cheeseburger. My last affair with a married man. My last charge on my already overused credit cards. My last lie to Mom, Dad, myself. The last time I do not do what I promise myself I will.  “Tomorrow I start over.” “New leaf.” “Never again.” “One more time and that’s it.” Are you a member of the “I’ll start tomorrow” club but tomorrow never comes? Are you easily derailed by the opinion of others? Does your own fear-based thinking hold you back? Does the idea of staying where you are, no matter how uncomfortable, make you feel safer than moving toward something that might actually make you happy? Are you ignoring any signs of danger ahead?

The advantage (if you can call it that) that addicts have is that they have their identifiable addictions. Whether you are an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive gambler, or an uncontrollable overeater, you know what you are fighting. But if you are a woman who makes poor love choices, a serial philanderer, someone who sabotages friendships in the workplace by gossiping, someone whose go-to emotion is fear, or someone whose neediness drives people away, there is a good chance you have remained blissfully unaware of your addiction until significant damage has been done. The saddest wake-up call of all is the news that your actions have brought damaging turbulence into your daily life and more often than not the lives of others. Most likely, none of you are lacking for concerned friends or family members who are more than willing to act as human billboards reminding you of where you fall short. You screw up, the wife points out why, you turn to her with a look of intense gratitude and say, “Thank God you were there, Cindy. I never noticed. THAT won’t happen again!” Meanwhile, back in real life, we know that seldom happens. More often than not, the repeated complaints of partners, lovers, and friends only drive us deeper into our cave of “Honor thy cravings; screw the rest of the world.” Addiction is a powerful foe.

· · ·

So it may be an unwelcome revelation, but awakening to the fact that the fly in the ointment is you is the beginning of change. The truth is at your door, and with it, the possibility of a new beginning.

PAUL

In the world of recovery, “First things first” has become something of a holy commandment. There’s a reason such statements become bumper stickers. They’re necessary elements to a proper beginning.

Addiction is in fact a primary disease, meaning it is not a symptom of another disorder. It must be dealt with before any of life’s other challenges can be met. Whatever your personal disorder or dysfunction may be, if you are beginning your own path of recovery, the same sense of priorities will serve you best. Deal with your problem. There’s no time like the present.

So what does it take to get us to walk away from stagnant, chronic, destructive behavior? A “Doesn’t work now; never really did” pattern that has become a habit?




If you’re not doing a single thing but reading this chapter, then you’re already taking a positive step. That’s because change begins with the will to change, and finding the will to change is a major triumph. Drug addicts become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sometimes that’s enough: the reality of change or die. For the non–life-threatening but life-limiting conditions, the stakes may be smaller but the rewards of change are large. Just the commitment to change, followed by those first attempts at a more constructive behavior, can be comforting. You’ll be energized by the thought of a new and better life, one that is free of the daily “Oh, no! Not again!” moments after vowing to fix things “this time.” So that said, let’s get started.

TRACEY

In society, we are encouraged to hide our problems and cover up our shame. In the world of recovery, people are applauded for owning their failures.

Identify Your Problem


If one gathered together twenty-five random people and made them all stand up and talk about the problems in their lives, every one of them would have made a bad love choice, sabotaged an opportunity, hurt someone while defending their own position, or worried about not being able to control their weight, their temper, their lust for the girl or boy next door. We all have a laundry list of things we have done or continue to do that we are ashamed of and would like to change.

But before you can change anything, especially something that is most likely harbored in your subconscious, you have to be able to identify it. Let’s start at the top:

The Seven Deadly Sins

Wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony may look like eternal damnation to a Catholic priest, but for some of us they’re just a nice way to spend the weekend. I’ll have lust and gluttony to start, with a side of greed!

While you may not feel your behavior can be described in such singularly biblical terms, chances are good that if you take some of your, shall we say, “issues” and break them down, most likely they will contain elements of this iconic group.

Let’s start with wrath. Someone nabs your parking spot and the first thing out of your mouth is a remark about the other person’s maternal parent, followed by a sexual slur? Road rage? Short-tempered with the kids? Boss always pissing you off? Actually, these days everything pisses you off. If that sounds about right, you might have anger issues. Sure, sometimes these feelings can be legitimate, but they still make you a card-carrying member of the Seven Deadly Sin Society. Is “I’ll do it later” the first thing that comes out of your mouth when a task is presented to you? Is a job half done as acceptable to you as a job well done? Is your house a mess? Your checkbook unbalanced? Your résumé not up-to-date? Sounds likesloth. If for you there is any truth to the claim that the average male thinks about sex once a minute, lust is the runaway lead in your Issues to Be Dealt With Department. Same goes for if you’re a woman. Lust is one of society’s biggest problems. From porn addiction to serial philandering to sexting—thanks to modern technology, what once might have been a weekly romp in the Motel 6 has taken on colossal daily devotion. But lust comes in many forms, especially when it comes to our stuff, like your neighbor’s car or swimming pool. But we guess we’ll be moving on to envy with that one, which is really just the marriage of lust andgreed. Obsessing over your coworker’s iPad mini? That’s envy. Over your coworker’s fiancé? Well, that’s lust, envy, and greed all rolled up into one. Supersize me one more time—give me a G for gluttony!

You get the idea.



What Exactly Is Your Problem?

Don’t even try and say you don’t have one. We all do. You need to give your problem a label. We use labels for a reason: to let us know what’s what. Without labels we would pour tomato soup on our cereal instead of milk, and pour Drano into the washing machine.

To help you find the right label, let’s have a look at the granddaddy of shopping lists of bad behavior: “The Seven Deadly Sins.”



How Is Your Problem Affecting
Your Life?

Everyone feels these things from time to time. And they are by no means entirely bad or destructive. It’s when they start to interfere with your life in a disruptive manner that they must be dealt with.

How do we know when our maladaptive behaviors have crossed the line from the occasional guest appearance to starring in and ruining the show?




For alcoholics and drug addicts there is a simple twelve-question test developed by Dr. Robert Siegler that is used to separate the social or problem drinker from the alcoholic. While some of the questions are directly related to alcohol abuse, there are several questions that might help you assess the extent of your own dysfunction.


1. Do you lose time from work due to your behavior?

2. Is your love life suffering due to your behavior?

3. Is your behavior making your home life unhappy?

4. Is your behavior affecting your reputation?

5. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your behavior?

6. Do you turn to disreputable companions and an inferior environment due to your behavior?

7. Does your behavior make you careless of your family’s welfare?

8. Has your ambition decreased as a result of your behavior?

9. Does your behavior cause you to have difficulty sleeping?

10. Are you less efficient because of your behavior?

11. Is your behavior jeopardizing your job or business?

12. Do you use your behavior to escape from worries or troubles?

And we will take the liberty of adding one important question to the mix:

13. Is your behavior affecting your health in an adverse or dangerous way?

Now, if you are living with your madness at a manageable level and would like to keep rolling along in that fashion, you don’t need to change a thing. But if you’re fed up with your revolving-door anger at life’s unfair turns, it’s time to look down the barrel of your discontent, own your broken promises, give up your often tried but not so true excuses, and begin to change.

PAUL

One day in my thirteenth year my father missed a turn and drove into an empty cornfield. An angry farmer ran up to the car, looked in the backseat, and upon seeing two frightened children screamed, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re drunk! You’re going to kill yourself and those kids someday!” He was absolutely right, and I suspect my father knew it. Four months later he was dead. He died alone when he drove that car directly into the abutment of a bridge.

Thirty-five years later I was doing the same thing: driving loaded with my two beautiful children in the backseat of my car. Why do bright, well-educated, and civilized men and women ignore such dark truths and continue on paths of self-destruction?

At this point you may be saying, “Hey, wait a minute, I’m not a drug addict. I keep my booze to a minimum. I would never drive drunk. I make everyone wear a seat belt. I pay the rent on time. Keep gas in the car. Walk through the mall looking and acting like everyone else. I’m a version of fine.” Then one might ask why you picked up this book. Something must be gnawing on the wires of your psyche. Something must feel out of place in your world.

There is a lot of information in the promise of this book: Recovery is not just for addicts. You might not have a drug habit, but addiction comes in many forms. It’s what takes your mind off of the real issues. It’s what keeps you focused on something else instead of the underlying problems. The guy you are stuck on who never follows through—it’s easy to get mad at him, be on and off with him, rage at him or cry over him. But if you look at your life, was there anyone else who behaved in the same way? Maybe Dad? Are you addicted to the patterns of push-me/pull-you? Is your understanding of interaction with the opposite sex all about confrontation and disappointment? Is the controlling dynamic of your relationships anger, rejection, and conflict? Do things not feel right unless they present wrong?

Addiction doesn’t necessarily imply there are substances involved. Addiction to feelings is a powerful force. Addiction to feeling inadequate, addiction to feeling superior, addiction to feeling like you are always letting people down, addiction to feeling like you will never be the person you want to be, addiction to your excuses for why things don’t work out. “If I lost twenty pounds, my life would be better. I would have a better job, a better love life, a better apartment. People might like me more.” “So,” one could ask, “if you really feel that way, what is keeping you from just cutting back on what you consume and getting out there and moving around? Or are you so addicted to the temporary comfort that food provides that it becomes more important than the guilt and remorse about overconsumption it leaves behind?”

Also, never underestimate the power of habit. Habits keep us tethered to something even if that something is not good for us—even if that something is in fact keeping us from what we really want. The reliability of a connection so powerful and long-standing somehow feels safe in a twisted way.

One of the big barriers to repairing our problems is that we are terrified of what our life will look and feel like without this “thing” we have become so used to. The thing can be booze, it can be heroin, it can be sugar and fried food, it can be constantly having something to complain about, it can be anything we glom on to that keeps our minds and feelings occupied and allows us to avoid our real problems.

Throughout this book, we will be dealing with many issues that come under the heading of problematic, consistent, and thus addictive behavior. They’re the things that often keep us out of the very places we want to be in and from living the lives we want. They’re things that are learned in childhood, tendencies that are born out of disappointment, or they are just plain maladaptive behavioral traits that for some reason we can’t seem to shake.
Some examples of these are:

The Rageaholic

You stand at the doorway to disaster. Your hair-trigger temper has the potential to destroy your life and the lives of those closest to you. In truth, if you find yourself acting out physically, immediate one-on-one counseling is suggested.

The Workaholic

Your life is totally out of balance but your defense is a good one. You’re a dedicated provider. “How the hell do you think the bills get paid around here? Somebody’s gotta bring home the bacon!” is your loud response when anyone suggests you slow down. Losers here include the family that gets so little of you. What are you hiding from that turns your office into your primary residence?

Emotional Anorexia

Somewhere along the way you learned your feelings did not count. Or if they counted, they were way at the bottom of some list. Perhaps they were ignored altogether or ridiculed. There are endless reasons why we stuff our feelings where we don’t have to deal with them: Sometimes they just plain scare us to death. Our feelings are the most honest part of our being; by denying or stuffing them down, we cut ourselves off from our real essence. Which in turn leads to any one of the outcomes we deal with.

Bette Meddler

Are you an expert at solving other people’s problems while ignoring your own? Are you an authority on everything but you? Do you give out so many of your “two cents” that, if you added them all up, you might make the Forbes list?

Alpha Infant

You need constant reassuring. Constant approval. If anyone in the house gets more attention than you, it’s suddenly a war zone. Nobody cares about your feelings. Nobody understands. A baby on the home field, out in the world the ego switch is often thrown and the Alpha Infant morphs into . . .

King Me

That’s the I’m-not-much-but-I’m-all-I-think-about syndrome. Everything is a gigantic deal. Mr. Big Shot. Many times a playground bully all grown up. It’s grandiosity writ large, but usually a cover-up for the most insecure. It is often labeled narcissism and is a host for an endless slew of unwanted internal houseguests who then strike up the band and present themselves to the world in an endless parade of poor behavior and rotten choices. If someone tries telling you anything you’ll interrupt with a sermon on things you know nothing about.

The Hibernator

Today’s environment has left fertile soil for the hibernator to grow in. Eighteen hours on computer games. Days locked in your room watching every season ofCurb Your Enthusiasm certainly will keep your goals and dreams in lockdown.

The Victim

Born to lose and ready to tell anyone who’ll listen. Put on this earth to watch the rest of us have fun, you sit in a corner with an expression borrowed from the tragedy mask and wonder why nobody asks you to dance. You won’t ask for help because it’s too much effort and nothing works anyway, so why bother.

Any Porn in a Storm

The person with the inability to relate to another human being on an appropriately intimate level resorts to objectification of the sex partner. The net has made instant gratification as easy as clicking on a link. This is a digital dilemma that’s screwing with your life. No pun intended.

The Chicken Little Syndrome

You’re still amazed the world didn’t end on 12-12-2012. And maybe even a little disappointed. Even the Mayans have let you down. You broadcast disaster to anyone who’ll listen. You always know where the nearest bomb shelter is and are convinced it’s only a matter of time before you’ll need it. Your fear-based thinking keeps you stuck in Disasterville and the mantra you live by is “What’s the point? We’re all doomed anyway.”

My Phone Is My Life

Do you spend more time looking at your phone than you do at anyone or anything else? Does your heart stop when you think you’ve lost it? Do you say things like “This is my life” as you hold up your oh- so-smart smartphone? Do you find yourself escaping the real world by playing endless hours of Candy Crush? Angry Birds? Words With Friends? Is the cyber world a more enjoyable place for you to spend your time than the real one? Escaping real connection to ourselves and others through the world in our iPads, phones, and computers is a huge problem. After food it may be one of the biggest addictions we have today. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you most likely need to get a handle on how much time you spend in cyber space before it becomes your only place.

Charge It

Do you self-soothe with a trip to the mall? When you buy something, do you divide it up between four credit cards that are all a few purchases away from being maxed out? Do all the salespeople at your local Walmart know you by name? Is every expenditure your last? Spending, overspending, indulging our material cravings, keeping up with the Joneses, the Joneses’ neighbors, and the Joneses’ cousins has become our national pastime. One of the biggest ways we sabotage our own futures, our kids’ futures, and often the moment is by overspending. It has become so easy. Some people wake up at four in the morning and head for the Jack Daniel’s; others turn on their computers and take a cyber stroll through Target, Macy’s, or any one of the millions of online shopping sites. Never before has feeding the beast of buying addiction been so easy.

This is just a sampling of what might be afflicting you. Perhaps none of these may apply to you, or you could be a minestrone made up of several. It’s up to you to start identifying what the various ingredients are that make up your murky soup. No one can do it for you. Only you can take the actions needed to make the necessary changes. The best time to start is now. Today. This minute.



Accept the Fact That the Time for
Change Is Now

You can’t live in Tomorrowville. If you’re always talking about what you are going to do, you are living in the future. If you are living in the future, you can’t commit yourself to the present. To deal properly with your problems, you must be totally in the moment. Because that is where your issues live: here, now, in your house, in your car, in your office, in your bedroom, in your stomach, in your heart, with you. If you are not dealing with your issues in real time but down the road, somewhere in your future, you are avoiding reality. And chances are it will remain on your to-do list.

TRACEY

“Soon is not a time.” This is a statement I end up uttering to my children on a regular basis. Kids are great procrastinators. If you have children or perhaps just carry on hcad-to-heads with your inner child, you might identify with some of these conversations.

“Have you done your homework?” “Soon.” “Emptied the trash yet?” “Soon.” “Have you cleaned your room yet?” “Soon.” “Brushed your teeth?” “Soon.”

The adult version goes more like this:

“I will get a colonoscopy . . . soon.” “I will stop hoarding and deal with the fact I can’t find the garage door through all the boxes . . . soon.”

“I will lose the twenty-five pounds . . . soon.” “I will file last year’s income tax return . . . soon.” “I will start getting my résumé in order and take that Excel class down at the community college so I can maybe get the better job I really want . . . soon.”

“Soon,” I will repeat, is not a time. Today, this minute, at 3:47 p.m.—those are times. To really make a change, the best time to start is with a real time, and that time is now.

So I Have a Problem: Now W hat?

As time and failure teach us, a declaration that is not followed by carefully charted out, relentless action and daily vigilance seldom if ever works. There’s a reason: Nature abhors a vacuum. It may be a cliché, but it’s a great illustration of why so many people fall off diets, keep smoking after repeated tries to stop, and continue to engage in many forms of self-destructive behavior that haven’t worked in the past and won’t work now.

When an alcoholic quits drinking and commits to abstinence, there is suddenly a large, empty space—a void in his daily routine. The bottle, once his constant source of comfort and relief, has been removed. Unless this self-medicating ritual is replaced with something different, the old behavior will reappear.

You see the problem? You’ve got to replace the bad behavior with something else, something better. If not, you’re headed for one more failed attempt at change. And there goes another chapter in the story of your life: “How I Almost Did It.”

TRACEY

One of the things I have always envied about my friends in AA is the daily meetings they get to attend. I have been fortunate over my life to sit in on a few open meetings. Not only is the ritual something that ties them to their vows to amend their destructive habits, but the camaraderie, the instantaneous feeling of “While we may have never met before, I know you; you know me, and not only are we in this together, we are here to help each other,” allows them to feel connected to something much larger than themselves or even their problems.



PAUL

All those embarking on new life patterns need support. The problem is many people around you like you the old way. Your spouse who could also stand to lose twenty-five pounds might not be so willing to support your new healthful eating regime. Not only does he not want to lose his Friday night lasagna and evening visit to the ice cream parlor, but most maladaptive behavior loves company in the same way misery does.

Everybody has a jealous friend, a bloated uncle, or a miserable neighbor who will find something wrong with your idea before you’ve hit the first exclamation point of enthusiasm. And he will instantly turn your bowl of gusto into a colander. So if you decide to embark on this life-changing journey, don’t talk about it with those who will not support you. In the same way people in recovery gather together to nurture and reinforce each other, find those who will support what you are doing and respect the pledges you have made to be a healthier, happier you. Keep your goals within a supportive circle as you move toward rearranging the mismatched furniture of your life experiences that led you to this cluttered, muddy moment in your journey.