Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
1
great expectations
Like tiny Bond villains with very
small and insanely specific goals,
toddlers have great expectations for
what life will bring on any given day. Disappoint them at your peril.
he couldn’t take the gumdrop pass.
it wasn’t raining inside.
he climbed into the dishwasher.
i wouldn’t let him crawl into a 400°f oven.
i said the sponge is not food.
he can’t eat his dad’s phone.
we wouldn’t let him drag his new bookshelf into the living room.
she wanted to tear up my twenty-dollar bill.
i asked her to please stop licking the bottom of her shoe.
she wanted to be a princess.
dispatches • from • the • front • lines
The great thing about kids is that because they know so little of the world, everything is new and exciting to them. Recently my son and I were having a great time wrestling on the floor, laughing and giggling—a perfect father-son moment.
That is, until he started staring at my hands. I guess he had never noticed my knuckles before. He hated the look of that weird, wrinkly, bunched-up skin—and started tugging on it, demanding that I “take it off.” When I explained that it just wasn’t possible for me to rip off my own knuckles, our fun-filled afternoon wrestlefest turned into the eighth sobbing fit of the day.
we told him that he was too young for beer.
swimming in the dog’s water bowl wasn’t as fun as she thought it would be.
he got stuck.
the neighbor’s dog isn’t outside.
the dog would not sit still long enough for him to eat her tail.
he ate his peach, then got mad that his peach was gone.
2
recipe for disaster
Parents know that nutritious, homemade meals are necessary to make sure that your kids grow up healthy and strong. Toddlers know that mealtime is a broccoli-filled Thunderdome where only the strongest, smartest, and fastest will survive.
i made him chicken nuggets—aka his favorite meal.
his instant oatmeal was not, in fact, instant.
she demanded a new fork. now she wants the old fork back.
i wouldn’t put salt on her apricots.
her popsicle was cold.
i let him drink his smoothie in the car.
this teddy graham lost its head.
we thought he might like to try peas.
i took the glass of red wine away from her.
we had to put the cupcakes we were making into the oven to bake.
the last piece of banana fell out of the peel.
the banana is over.
he wanted me to put the crust back onto the toast.
i told her that i had to wash her face after dinner.
a fly landed near him.
i told him to stop stuffing his supper down his pants.
dinner was not served quickly enough.
reasons • why • i’m • crying
I asked him to stop using his spoon to catapult his peas across the table, one by one, like in a medieval fortress siege.
I politely asked him to stop sitting on his brother’s head.
I wouldn’t let him stick a garden hose down his brother’s pants.
He happily invited me to “feel his sleeve.” I did. He immediately lost his mind and said, “NOOOOO! NOT WITH YOUR HANDS!!!”
I secretly suggested we get ice cream by spelling the word to my wife—and was immediately busted by the three-year-old, because I-C-E sounds exactly like ice cream.
he was trying to put his underwear on his head. i helped.
3
no shirt, no shoes,
no tantrum
From the earliest of ages, toddlers develop a fashion sense all their own. They have very strong opinions when it comes to their preferred wardrobe—and comfort is king. Why wear jeans when you can wear “soft pants”—or better yet, NOTHING AT ALL! From their shouts of I can do it myself while hopelessly lost inside their turtlenecks to their endless battles against shirt tags of all types, clothing your toddler is such a struggle that you find yourself seriously considering moving to a warmer climate.
he didn’t like this monkey outfit.
she didn’t want to be a sailor like her sister.
i recently took up knitting as a hobby.
we had him try on his new sweater.
i told him he didn’t need that band-aid anymore.
i took off his winter coat when he got home.
he didn’t like any of the forty-six pairs of swimsuits i offered him.
dispatches • from • the • front • lines
One of my wife’s biggest complaints about having boys is that there just aren’t as many “cute” clothes for them as there are for girls. But she perseveres, scouring stores in search of outfits that will make our boys look like the most handsome prep-school gentlemen you’ve ever seen.
Those outfits are pristine, unworn, and hanging in the closet.
And in their place? Pajamas. At all times. We secretly hope that, when our boys grow up and perhaps get married, they’ll be wearing beautifully cut suits, dazzlingly shined shoes, and elegant ties. But the smart money is on Buzz Lightyear pajamas with rocket wings.
she took off her sandal, then couldn’t put it back on.
i wouldn’t let him go outside in daddy’s shoes.
he wants to wear his brown shoes.
he wants him to wear his yellow shoes.
he took off his shoes and socks. his feet are now cold.
he wanted to wear socks and flip-flops.
his train derailed.
4
e.t. . . .
the exasperated toddler
As newly arrived visitors to our world, children are seeing everything on our planet for the first time. Our advanced technologies confuse and enrage them. Zippers are their vicious metal-toothed foes. Light switches are tauntingly placed far above their reach, and universal remotes are covered with hieroglyphs that must somehow be decoded before Elmo will appear. Yes, the world can be a confusing place for all of us—but especially so for a two-year-old who thinks Newton’s Third Law has something to do with figs.
the diaper is gone.
buzz lightyear’s knee is bent.
the modem stopped flashing.
i wouldn’t let him electrocute himself.
the slide is not slippery enough.
the dog was in the way while he was trying to push the chair.
t. rex’s jaw is not big enough to bite this lego-man’s head.
the remote-controlled car he was driving drove away.
reasons • why • i’m • crying
We saw a dragonfly. My son reacted like he was being attacked by a pterodactyl.
Why do those we love most try so hard to gouge out our eyes with Matchbox cars?
Despite my repeated pleadings, he has successfully hidden his water cup from himself again. Does that make him the winner or the loser of this game?
My three-year-old is super, super helpful . . . as long as the task at hand is opening all his brother’s birthday presents—and not sharing them.
He gave his Slinky Dog toy to his little brother. His brother happily accepted. CUT TO SOUL-CRUSHING REALIZATION THAT HE NOW HAS NO SLINKY DOG TOY.
her dad is stuck in the computer.
he put himself in time out for no reason
5
if you can’t do the time
Toddlers are forever pushing their boundaries—and your buttons—to see just how much they can get away with. Transitioning from caregiver to crime stopper is all part of the job. You make up the rules as you go and you try your best to enforce them, but the minute your back is turned . . .
it was time to take a nap.
we told him the bathtub was not a bed.
we explained that she had to put on her swimsuit to go into the pool.
i told him the toilet is not a toy.
he pitched his toys down the stairs for the thousandth time and i said he had to get them himself.
he threw his dinner on the floor and now he wants to eat.
he wasn’t allowed to finish eating the diaper cream.
i wouldn’t let him drive his cozy coupe down the basement stairs.
i told him he couldn’t run until they said “go!”
she’s not allowed to eat garbage out of the garbage can.
reasons • why • i’m • crying
My two-year-old boy opened the door while I was on the toilet. Then my wife and three-year-old came in and we watched as he opened his birthday presents. This is not how I imagined my life would be.
An eventful day: my two-year-old took a toy screwdriver from the toolbox, walked behind me, yelled “Get him!” and started shivving me in the neck, like in a prison riot.
Honest admission: My dinner tonight consisted of 100 percent leftovers from my boys’ plates. And beer.
At the last second, I stopped him from drinking the cup of milk that he had successfully hidden in his toy box for at least two days.
I suggested that maybe the ketchup was best left on the plate—not spread evenly across the table, the chairs, his face, and his brother.
we stopped him from eating this roll of toilet paper.
i asked him for a high five.
6
lost in translation
One of the joys of parenthood is the passing of wisdom between the generations, the gentle flow of conversation between parent and child. Unfortunately there’s no Rosetta Stone software for “toddlerese,” so miscommunication seems inevitable. . . .
we told him that he looked very handsome.
i said we had to clean the cake off her.
dispatches • from • the • front • lines
Recently, I tried to teach my three-year-old a joke while we were driving:
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“I didn’t see any chickens.”
“No, I didn’t either, but just SAY there was a chicken who was crossing the road. . . .”
“[Concerned] We would hit him with our car!”
“No, okay, what if there was a chicken who wanted to cross the road and there were no cars coming.”
“He would FLY. Can chickens fly, Daddy?”
“Well, no. Hmmm. Maybe, for short distances? I’m actually not sure—”
“LOOK DAD . . . A HORSIE!”
It’s a work in progress.
another kid wanted to know what toy he was holding—and i told him.
i asked him what he wanted for dinner.
i offered him his favorite smoothie.
i offered him the phone so he could say hi to mommy.
i pretended my hand was a phone.
his teacher said “no” . . . to someone else.
she bit my finger. i said “ouch.”
i refused to put my own hair in a ponytail.
7
pull-ups and let-downs
Kids know exactly how they want their world to work. They have a precise course of action—a battle plan they follow to the letter as their day unfolds. Tragically, they’re utterly unable or unwilling to explain this game plan to their parents. Even the smallest of deviations from their top-secret to-do list is unacceptable. One wrong move, and you’ll unwittingly unleash some of the most unexpected, unpredictable, and unreasonable face-down-on-the-ground flare-ups you have ever seen.
i gave him peanut butter on a spoon instead of on my finger.
i left her home while i went to the store to buy cupcakes.
i went to the bathroom without her.
daddy didn’t want a bathroom audience.
we asked him if he was ready to go get ice cream.
he didn’t want to hold my hand while walking home from day care.
we signed his cast.
i wouldn’t ride with her (i am 6'4"; it’s not physically possible).
we threw him a party and invited all our family and friends.
we turned on his favorite show the minute he asked us to.
i went to the mailbox, located one foot away from the front door.
we told him we couldn’t afford a color television.
part two
his aunt wouldn’t let him play with this ax.
8
we are family
Nothing brings a family together like the introduction of a new baby. The minute that precious bundle of joy arrives home from the hospital, swarms of aunts, uncles, and grandparents arrive—eager to shower these little angels with their love and affection. This doesn’t always go as planned.
he wanted his picture taken, but not with daddy.
she didn’t want to share the pool with nana.
i let go of his hand to show his grandma how well he could walk.
we told her she had to take off grandma’s glasses so that she could see.
daddy thought it would be fun to take him to a pool.
his uncle gave him a hug.
he couldn’t carry the breakfast up to daddy on father’s day.
his skype chat with grandma and grandpa froze.
she didn’t recognize daddy in his contacts.
grandma wouldn’t let him spill his ice water all over the table (and her lap).
reasons • why • i’m • crying
It’s 85 degrees and he wanted to wear long-sleeved fleece pj’s and a blanket. I said that he might be hot. He vehemently disagreed.
We arrived at our fifth toddler birthday party in the past two weeks . . . and realized that we had left the gift on the roof of the car. Classic.
I suggested that maybe we shouldn’t put our books, toys, and toothbrushes on top of the toilet. I know! Crazy talk.
I wouldn’t let him take off his diaper and “go commando” while jumping on my bed, directly over my head.
Sometimes, I stay up wondering what I’m going to step on next in my bare feet. I bet either a grape or a dinosaur. Hopefully not a triceratops.
he didn’t want to share his leg hole.
9
sibling rivalry
Siblings are the best friends we never asked for. It’s no wonder that the source of the greatest joy and pain in the lives of toddlers comes from the people on the planet who they are genetically closest to.
we told her that she was going to have a baby brother.
he wouldn’t share his water.
i thought we could take a cute “big brother–little brother” picture.
dispatches • from • the • front • lines
Like most parents, we have extolled the healing virtues of kisses for all manner of injuries over the years, from bumped heads to scraped knees. The other day, I heard my older boy crying. I ran into the bedroom to see his little brother hitting him in the head, and then immediately kissing it to make it “all better” . . . and then hitting him again. After turning my head so they couldn’t see me laughing, I tried my best to explain that it didn’t work quite like that. . . .
his brother doesn’t understand what “personal space” means.
her brother sat down.
his sister blocked his kick.
her sister caught a fish.
they got caught between the speaker and the couch.
i told them that i loved them both equally.
her sister gave her a kiss.
her brother said she could go first. for a shot.
part three
he doesn’t like the grass.
