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Foreword

The most important thing about the Paradoxical Commandments is that they work for many people. This is especially true of their author, Kent Keith. He walks his talk. It is his authenticity that makes this book so powerful for him and for all of us.

When I first met Kent, I didn't know that he had written the original ten Paradoxical Commandments, but now that I know it, I'm not surprised. In the hours that we have spent talking about life and work, he has always emphasized personal meaning, and has always been clearheaded about where to find it. As a result, he has taken on some tough, high-risk assignments. He has also had the courage to break away from some traditional patterns of life and work.

After one of our longest talks, Kent walked away from prestige, power, and money to follow his heart. He left the presidency of a university to study, think, and be with his family. He emerged with an even stronger mission and purpose. And he emerged with this book.

For years, I have encouraged Kent to devote more time to writing and speaking. Now, in this book, he shares his thoughts and experience about something he has always been good at-finding personal meaning. His book is simple, eloquent, and profound. It will touch you in surprising ways. Most important, it will help you live a life that is rich in personal meaning. And that, as Kent explains, is the kind of life most worth living.

Spencer Johnson, M.D.
author of Who Moved My Cheese?
and coauthor of The One Minute Manager

The First Commandment

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

Lucy, in the Peanuts cartoon strip by Charles Schulz, once said: "I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."

People can certainly be difficult. Some are hard to love. Some are so illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered that we can't stand them. But we should love them anyway.

Love is the greatest gift that we can give and receive. It is a gift that all of us need to give and receive. A life without love is a life that is not fully lived. Don't limit your life by limiting your love.

The psychologist Abraham Maslow once observed that love is as essential to the growth of a human being as vitamins, minerals, and protein. I believe that human beings are built to run on love. We are designed that way. If we are not giving and receiving love, we are not operating on all our cylinders. We are not who we are supposed to be. We are not all that we can be. We are not doing all that we can do.

It is a tragedy when people decide not to love others because they don't approve of them, or they see them as illogical or unreasonable or self-centered, and not worthy of their love. It is a tragedy because love is not about approval or worthiness. It can't be. All of us have faults and foibles. All of us have moments of poor temper, of weakness, of temptation. All of us have done things that, afterward, we wish we had not done. We do not always behave in approved ways, and we are not always worthy. If approval and worthiness were really a prerequisite for love, there would be very little love in the world.

Love at its best is unconditional. We love and are loved in spite of our faults and foibles. Of course, we should strive to grow and improve. However, the desire and strength to grow and improve can come from loving and being loved.

We all know people who are frustrating to spend time with. They have lots of needs, and they are very demanding. They often don't make sense, and they are unreasonable in their attitudes. They seem so self-centered. Maybe they are. And yet, if we can love them, they may feel our love, and it may bring out the best in them. Our love can transform people and make them more lovable. As the poet Theodore Roethke said, "Love begets love."

One of my favorite movies is African Queen, starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn. Bogart is rather crusty and Hepburn is rather prissy as they start their trip down the river on Bogart's boat. She doesn't like his drinking, and tosses his liquor bottles overboard. He doesn't like her preaching, and regrets that he ever offered to give her a ride. Gradually, however, they are caught up in their common desire to escape from the Germans. They endure hardships, they share compassion, they fall in love, and they become different people. Each of them saw the other as illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered when their trip began. That's not how they see each other when their trip ends. They beam with love as they are married by the captain of the German gunboat just before it strikes the homemade torpedo sticking out of the half-sunk African Queen.

Sometimes people appear to be illogical and unreasonable, when they are simply using a different logic and a different method of reasoning. They may have different worldviews, or different experiences, or see a different set of facts than we do.

There is a story I remember reading in elementary school. It is about a group of blind people standing around an elephant. One touched the elephant's trunk and announced that an elephant is like a hose. Another put his arms around the elephant's leg and said that an elephant is like a tree trunk. Another placed his hands on the elephant's side and said that an elephant is like a wall. Another grasped the elephant's tail and announced that an elephant is like a rope. And so it went. Each person was right, and each person was wrong. They were right about the parts they touched, but wrong because they didn't see the whole picture. It was not until all the parts were put together that a true picture of an elephant emerged.

Ever since reading this story, I have tried to remember that some of the "illogical and unreasonable" people in the world simply have their hands on different parts of the elephant than I do. Another simple saying is, "There are three answers to every question: Yours, mine, and the right one."

So enjoy the immense personal meaning that comes from giving and receiving the gift of love. Love is too important to miss just because others are "difficult." Often, they are no more difficult than you or I!

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

from Anyway: The Paradoxical Commandments - Finding Personal Meaning in a Spiritual World by Kent M. Keith, Copyright © April 2002, The Putnam Publishing Group, a member of Penguin Putnam, Inc., used by permission.