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NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MENOPAUSE

Your little black dress is made from TERRY CLOTH.

You know the calcium content in a pitcher of piña coladas.

YOU USE SO MUCH MOISTURIZER THAT YOU SLIDE OFF THE FURNITURE.

You refer to your best friend as HELLO my name is What's Her Name

Ever since the doctor took you off hormones, you've been wearing a nicotine patch, a motion sickness patch, and a bicycle patch.

You add powdered fiber to beer.

Your husband dumps ice water on you, and you consider it foreplay.

You keep getting thank-you notes from the local homeless shelter for all the blankets you've donated.

Your husband has learned how to say I'm sorry in eight different languages.

You eat your frozen dinner before it thaws.

You refer to your youngest child as "MY LAST FERTILE EGG."

The pregnancy indicator stick reads, "YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE!"

You scare your kids more than they scare you.

You know that a Popsicle can cool you off in more ways than one.

You forget to take your vitamins but remember the name of the guy who didn't ask you to the prom.

When your husband proposes a romantic vacation, you suggest ice fishing.

Once a month you fake PMS.

Your cell phone ring tone is the theme from JAWS.

You wear a miniskirt and high heels to buy your mom's bladder control underwear so the cashiers don't think they're for you.

Your husband wears a cup to bed.

You're not getting back on your scale until gravity shifts back to normal.

You have a recipe for soybeans and wieners.

You hire a towel boy.

YOU BUY RAWHIDE CHEWS, BUT YOU DON'T OWN A DOG.

You know you'll never eat for two again-and that makes you hungry.

You put cayenne pepper in everything you cook so your family will stop turning up the thermostat.

You recently held up a pharmacy with a note that said, "give me all your hormones and no one gets hurt!"

Despite joining the Witness Protection Program, you've been tracked down by the AARP.

You consider sleeping to be a weight-bearing exercise.

You've done millions of stomach crunches, but only your floor is flatter.

You binge on milk, hoping the cows it came from were injected with hormones.

You criticize your mother (instead of vice versa) and she doesn't talk back!

When you say "My friend is visiting," there are actually suitcases in your guest room.

Now that there's no chance of you being pregnant, people keep asking you if you are.

YOU'VE DISCOVERED THAT MELTING PLASTIC DOLLS IS A GREAT WAY TO MANAGE STRESS.

Last Halloween you dressed up as Lizzy Borden.

You tell all your children they're not your favorite.

You Find the 11 g 17% Labels on 7 g 35% Chocolate Bars to Be 0 g Steamier Than 5 mg 1% Romance 25 mg 1% Novels 27 g 9%

You make candy apples with those caramel calcium chews.

You don't do extreme sports because they pale in comparison Your book club is just an excuse to sit around and drink soy milk.

You can pick your colon out of a lineup.

You could play Thelma AND Louise in the sequel.

You've discovered that there's no such thing as waterproof mascara.

You know how much ice cream it takes to get your RDA of calcium.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MENOPAUSE by LEIGH ANNE JASHEWAY-BRYANT
Copyright © 2008 by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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