Read an Excerpt

Introduction

Does This Collar Make My Butt Look Big? is the book for any cat hoping to transform into a lean, mean, sleeping machine. While other diet and exercise books encourage a healthy lifestyle based on portion control and exercise, this book promotes the more feline-friendly approach of “returning your calories to the earth” (also known as “blowing chunks”).

This book is also a wake-up call for cats who just need to be, you know . . . awake. (Seriously, some of what we’re saying here is important. Get up.)

Want to be as strong as a professional mouser? Ready to admit that hot and sexy belly that’s been dragging on the floor the last few years maybe isn’t so hot and sexy? On the following pages you’ll find a stash of easy-to-use purractical tips such as:

•           Eat whatever you want. Just do what cats have done for centuries and disgorge a small mound of bones, fur, and grass someplace your humans will be sure to step in it.
•           Work in light cardio. Twice daily, increase your heart rate by running in frenzied circles around the house as if you’re being chased 
by a cat burglar or a veterinarian with a thermometer.
•           Seek out fresh, local food. Protein still in its final death throes is always healthiest . . . like that vole in the backyard.
If you’re ready for these secrets and more, keep reading. In less time than it takes to groom your backside, you too can be fit, feline, and fabulous!

Taking Stock: Where Are You Now?

Let’s be honest. If you’re reading this book, chances are you’re sporting a little “junk in the kitty trunk.” But are you actually “overweight”? Find out by rating your body using these definitions:

•           Plump. The ground shakes when you approach. Not because people fear you, but just because . . . you’re approaching.
•           Stocky. It takes two or three leaps and a complicated system of grappling hooks for you to summit the bed.
•           Obese. If we could tie a string to you and make you float, you’d fit right into the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
•           Big boned. Dinosaurs were big boned. Sasquatch is big boned. Pull up your kitty Piddle Pants1 and face the truth: you’re fat.
 
Before Before There Was Diet Kibble . . . A History of Fat Cats

It should come as no surprise that our feline ancestors, such as the European wild cat and African wild cat, didn’t struggle with their weight. With no easy access to Trader Joe’s Turkey & Giblets in Gravy—the nearest outlet was miles away—these cats were forced onto the plains and into caves to hunt and forage for food. Research reveals that the European cave lion, in an early adaptation of today’s popular Paleo diet (see page 54), occasionally noshed on bear cubs. (This was before the petit fours rage swept the plains, ushering in an era of catnip-tart and mini-vole desserts.)

These days, pampered cats are more likely to snort a bowl of Friskies Party Mix than to take down a grizzly. (Although . . . snorting Friskies has made more then one cat hallucinate they were taking down a grizzly, only to wake up the next morning in a compromising position with the dog’s Kong Teddy Bear toy. About that, perhaps the less said, the better.) In fact, more than 50 percent of felines are overweight—which of course means that 50 percent of felines are normal or underweight. How you see it depends on whether you’re a “the bowl is half empty” or “the bowl is half full” kind of cat. Since you’re reading a diet book, you’re probably a “the bowl is always empty” kind of cat—which reminds us: FEED ME.

How does this affect you? You’ve got your blankie, your sunbeam, and unlimited access to the naughty cable channels while your humans are at work. Why should you care about being overweight? Because issues linked to obesity include diabetes, stroke, heart attack, and the mortification that comes with having to be weighed on the livestock scale behind the veterinarian’s office.

So where to begin? The first step (calm down—you don’t actually have to stand up and go anywhere) is to test your knowledge. Take the quiz starting on page 6 to help you determine how much you know about shedding (no, not that kind of shedding—if only it were that easy) those unwanted pounds. Then grab a meal replacement bar,2 turn the page, and let your weight-loss odyssey begin.