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RICHARD YATES

Melville House

Chapter One

"I saw a hamster eating its babies," said Haley Joel Osment. "I wanted to give it a high-five. But it didn't know what a high-five is."

"I would eat my babies if I had some. I don't have any babies."

"How old are you?" said Haley Joel Osment.

"16. It's probably good I don't have babies."

"You are not 16. You are like 25."

"No, I am 16," said Dakota Fanning. "I drew a hamster on a pink piece of paper today then I threw it on top of a recycling bin full of paper so whenever anybody recycles paper the hamster will look at them and be cute for them." Haley Joel Osment said that was cute. Dakota Fanning said in real life she didn't make any faces. She just let her muscles make what they make naturally and every day people said "You look sad, stop it. You don't have the right to be sad. I'm sad. My parents are divorced. Say something funny."

Haley Joel Osment said he felt good when he made a sad face.

"My mom saw a package from you and asked if you were a creep," said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat about a week later. "I said you were not a creep. I said you were a graduate of New York University." Haley Joel Osment said the only purpose of going to New York University was so Dakota Fanning could now tell her mother he was not a creep, but a graduate of New York University. Dakota Fanning said she was going on a field trip to a museum in Manhattan in November and Haley Joel Osment could find her then and sit by her and they could eat together.

"That sounds good," said Haley Joel Osment.

"November is so far away," he said.

A few weeks later they talked on the phone for about three hours. Dakota Fanning said she worked at McDonald's then walked on a bridge and gave a homeless man $20 and told the homeless man she hated her job and walked home and tried to juggle things for fifteen minutes. Haley Joel Osment was lying in the dark on his air mattress in a three-person apartment on Wall Street. His room had no windows. He said he was walking today and noticed he was thinking "Life is stupid. I am stupid." But it was one sentence not two. Dakota Fanning said that was okay. She said she had a broken violin she was saving because she wanted to smash it but she always said "no, not yet." When they had nothing to say they were quiet and then said "hi" to each other around forty times.

The next day Haley Joel Osment stood outside the membership library on 76th Street where he worked twenty-five-hours a week and felt sunlight on his face and ate a salad. It was April 25. Haley Joel Osment was 22. After work he rode the 6 train to New York University's Bobst Library and sat in front of a computer. He wasn't a student anymore but someone had made a mistake and given him access until 2011. It was 2006. Haley Joel Osment talked to Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. He went to his apartment. He lay on his air mattress. He read a short story about a severely depressed woman in rural Illinois.

He woke around 2:00 p.m. and showered and put on clothes. He walked into the kitchen listening to music from his iPod through earphones. He was alone in the apartment. He stared at the common room. He once watched a Korean movie with his suitemate in the common room. In the movie a cop accidentally jump-kicked another cop. The movie was about a serial killer. "I feel bored of life," thought Haley Joel Osment. "Or wait. I don't know. Never mind." He went to Whole Foods and put avocado sushi and coconut water and a container of fruit in his duffle bag and walked to Karen's and bought organic iced coffee and walked to Bobst Library. "I'm not sure if you should come Friday," said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. "My mom is going to think you're going to rape me or something."

"Your mom," said Haley Joel Osment.

"I told her you were an autistic vegan and she said 'autistic vegans can still rape people.' I told her I felt insulted by that comment."

"I don't want to see her. I'm," said Haley Joel Osment and thought about how he already said more than fifteen times that he was afraid of Dakota Fanning's mother. "Haley," he said.

"I don't think she knows how old you are," said Dakota Fanning. "The majority of my friends are your age and she doesn't care. I think she thinks you're like 35 or something."

"Why does she think I'll rape you?" said Haley Joel Osment.

"She thinks everyone on the internet is out to rape everybody."

"What should I do," said Haley Joel Osment.

"You should rape me out of spite," said Dakota Fanning.

"I fed eggplant to Aladdin today," she said about her dog.

"Why don't you want me to go over?" said Haley Joel Osment. "I'm angry."

"I want you to," said Dakota Fanning. "I'm just afraid. Just come."

"You delayed me too much. I'm tired. I feel like I already went."

"Just come please, I will make a papoose," said Dakota Fanning. "I have eggplant and blueberries. Are you okay with sleeping in a field? We might have to sleep in a field."

"Okay," said Haley Joel Osment. "Why?"

"So we don't get attacked by my mom. I just googled papoose and found this." Dakota Fanning sent a link to an image of an amorphous gray sac.

"Is that you," said Haley Joel Osment. "I feel pain. I have a migraine."

"Will you come Friday when you aren't so sick? I'm afraid the field will make you sicker."

"Am I really coming?" said Haley Joel Osment. "I am quickly losing interest. Soon we won't talk anymore. Life is terrible."

"Come tomorrow," said Dakota Fanning.

"No, you're right," said Haley Joel Osment. "I'm too sick. Can I come Friday?"

"Yes. I can't remember if I have the SATs Saturday morning or Sunday morning. I think I have them Saturday. It is Saturday. I just looked. Why are we always fucked. We are fucked. Look at that typo," said Dakota Fanning about fucked being spelled as fuckexc. "That is how fucked we are. My brother is missing. The lady who electrocutes us just called. She can't find him. He never came home." Once a week Dakota Fanning, Dakota Fanning's brother, Dakota Fanning's mother went separately to a three-story house where for purposes of lowering depression and anxiety levels someone named Charlene put radiowaves through receptors to make them look like brainwaves and then directed those waves at areas in their brains where there were too many alpha, beta, or delta waves. The procedure was called biofeedback. Dakota Fanning was nervous because it began in the '80s and the long-term effects were unknown and also she was afraid about never being sad because when she was happy she was annoying and ran around like a child with ADHD and started sentences and didn't finish them.

"He might have killed himself," said Haley Joel Osment. "Life is terrible."

"He gets tired a lot," said Dakota Fanning. "He might have driven his car off the road and died. He is always tired."

"You aren't visiting me," said Haley Joel Osment.

"I am," said Dakota Fanning.

"You are. When you are."

"Soon," said Dakota Fanning.

"Soon."

"Soon," said Dakota Fanning.

"It will never happen," said Haley Joel Osment. "I'm giving up on life. Even more. Wait. I already did. Even more I am."

"It will happen," said Dakota Fanning.

"Something is wrong with me," said Haley Joel Osment. "I'm going." They each said good night. Haley Joel Osment stared at the computer screen. He rode the N train to his apartment. He looked at for-sale flyers on a bulletin board in the laundry room. He stood in an elevator. He boiled organic angel-hair pasta and carried a bowl of it to his room and sat on the floor with organic tomato sauce, olive oil, black pepper. "I fear social interaction," he thought while eating. "Probably more than anyone I know. More than so many people. Seems 'surreal,' like it's not really true. Talking to Dakota seems 'surreal,' because of her level of creativity maybe. It seems fun. I like talking to her. I like her writing." He walked to the kitchen, picked up a container of organic flaxseeds, walked to his room, put organic flaxseeds on his pasta.

Sunday afternoon Haley Joel Osment rode a train ten minutes from Penn Station to Secaucus and then another train two hours from Secaucus to Dakota Fanning's town in New Jersey. On the second train he read 110 pages of an Ernest Hemingway biography that said Ernest Hemingway accidentally shot his own legs twice with a gun when he caught a shark while fishing and that in the Spanish Civil War he had a Tommy gun and they were in trouble and he ran into an area and used the Tommy gun and then they were safe. Haley Joel Osment stepped off the train and saw Dakota Fanning walking toward him. She had on rain boots and an oversized black dress and was smiling.

"I am thinking about something," thought Haley Joel Osment.

"We'll make jokes," he thought. "Sometimes we'll eat food together."

There were mountains in two directions and Haley Joel Osment pointed at them. He said he sat across from a 90-year-old man on the train and wanted the man to die so he could roll the corpse into a corner.

"What happened?" said Dakota Fanning.

"What do you mean?" said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning looked down a little.

"Did he die?" she said grinning.

"No," said Haley Joel Osment. "He seemed really old."

They walked to a playground. "Look at those babies," said Dakota Fanning about a group of small children by the swings.

A boy was standing alone in the sandbox looking at his feet.

"Why is that one severely depressed?" said Haley Joel Osment.

They went down a slope to a valley containing the Delaware River. Dakota Fanning jumped while going down. "We need to hide the book, it weighs too much," said Haley Joel Osment and put the Ernest Hemingway biography under a rock. He told Dakota Fanning two stories about Ernest Hemingway.

They sat on a cement slab by the river. In the distance was a steel bridge with cars going in both directions. There were no clouds and it was about seventy degrees. Sometimes it was a little windy. Dakota Fanning was looking at her dress and boots and doing things with her hands. "That's what I do when I'm nervous," thought Haley Joel Osment. "I do things with my hands and, like, touch my clothes. I am observing her behavior. Learning." A button fell off Dakota Fanning's dress. She took an envelope from her bag and cranberry dental floss from the envelope and used the cranberry dental floss to tie her dress.

"It looks pretty," said Haley Joel Osment.

"If you didn't send me the floss I wouldn't have been able to do that," said Dakota Fanning.

They walked to Ming Moon and ordered food and sat at one of three tables. Dakota Fanning had said on Gmail chat that she ate here most days after school. It was very bright from sunlight coming through the glass front. At another table a man in an orange shirt stared ahead with an intense facial expression. His food came and he stared at it. "Utensils," he said. "Fork," he said loudly. The Ming Moon employees stared at him and then very slowly looked away from him. "Fork," he said and stood and walked to the forks as two Ming Moon employees walked to the forks. He picked up a fork and sat and ate his food while staring at it. A Ming Moon employee said "Oh, fork" while grinning at another Ming Moon employee. There were five Ming Moon employees. One had a lot of hair on the top of his head and the back of his neck and Dakota Fanning said he looked like a horse and was pretty. One was named Andrew. Dakota Fanning had talked about Andrew on Gmail chat.

"Andrew looks really happy today," said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning said Andrew was severely depressed yesterday.

"Why?" said Haley Joel Osment with an amused facial expression.

"I don't know. He just looked horribly depressed."

"He's on antidepressants today," said Haley Joel Osment and grinned and went to the bathroom then sat by Dakota Fanning so they both faced outside. The town seemed very quiet. Haley Joel Osment pointed at a third-story window across the street and asked if he could live there. Dakota Fanning said he could. Haley Joel Osment said "Thank you." He said he would sit in the room and make enough money from writing and walk with Dakota Fanning every day by the river. He asked about Dakota Fanning's brother. Dakota Fanning said her brother went to college and had a nervous breakdown and stayed in a mental hospital then came home and now made $11 an hour driving cars. Dakota Fanning said her brother mostly stayed in his room after work with the door closed but sometimes went to his friend's house to do drugs.

"I thought he didn't have friends," said Haley Joel Osment.

"I think he has one friend," said Dakota Fanning.

Haley Joel Osment asked if she was finished eating and she said she was. "You didn't eat that much," he said and saw that Dakota Fanning had a shy facial expression. He ate the rest of the vegetables and white rice and they left Ming Moon and walked onto the steel bridge. The man in the orange shirt was on the other side of the bridge walking in the opposite direction, toward Ming Moon, with a serious facial expression. "Take his picture," said Haley Joel Osment in an excited voice. Dakota Fanning photographed the man using a disposable camera she bought for today. "Where is he going?" said Haley Joel Osment. "He looks so confused." Dakota Fanning said she had never seen the man. She said the man was out-of-control. Haley Joel Osment was grinning very hard. "He's just on a small, one-day rampage," said Dakota Fanning grinning. "He's good." They went to a ledge about twenty-five feet above the Delaware River and sat with their backs against a stone wall.

They showed each other photos on their cell phones and talked about getting an inflatable raft to use in the river. They talked about people they both knew on the internet. A crane landed on an inlet in the river and moved its neck and made a loud noise. Dakota Fanning laughed and the crane flew away. "Maybe I will touch her soon," thought Haley Joel Osment. "Do it now. I could move my arm somewhere. I could move my shoulder to her shoulder maybe." They put their legs out straight. Dakota Fanning photographed their legs. Haley Joel Osment photographed Dakota Fanning. Across the river were four or five children.

Haley Joel Osment screamed a bad word at them.

He encouraged Dakota Fanning to scream a bad word.

She was quiet and then shouted "Cocksucker."

"That was stupid," she said. "I feel embarrassed."

"That was good," said Haley Joel Osment. "I didn't expect that at all." He screamed another bad word and a child on the other side screamed "Shut the fuck up." Haley Joel Osment screamed "Sorry." The child screamed "Fucking retards."

"I think they're older than 8 or 9," said Haley Joel Osment.

"Preschoolers probably say 'fucking retards' now," said Dakota Fanning.

"That's funny," said Haley Joel Osment grinning.

A few minutes later he screamed "I like your red shirt" and the boy in a red shirt looked up instantly. No one else looked up. Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning left the ledge and walked into a residential area. Haley Joel Osment said he felt calm and happy here. He said he would kill himself by walking in front of a bus if he went back to New York City. His train was leaving in about fifty minutes. Dakota Fanning said he could hide in her room. "Your mom," said Haley Joel Osment. Dakota Fanning said her mom wouldn't know. Haley Joel Osment said he was afraid. Dakota Fanning stepped in front of him and put her hands on his shoulders and looked at his eyes with a confident facial expression. Haley Joel Osment thought about turning his shoulders to get away from the situation. "It's okay, I think, just focus on something," he thought. "She's different suddenly, power is shifting or something. I feel scared. Just focus on what she's saying." Dakota Fanning stayed in the same position and said a plan and said "Everything will be okay, okay?" and Haley Joel Osment said "Okay" and they continued walking. Dakota Fanning pointed at a house and said the person who lived there didn't have to go to school anymore because of severe depression. She talked about other people in her town who didn't have to go to school because they were severely depressed. She knew of three. She said she was severely depressed and still had to go to school. Haley Joel Osment said she needed to attempt suicide. Dakota Fanning said the other people didn't attempt suicide. Haley Joel Osment said she needed to be on antidepressant medication maybe. Haley Joel Osment said "Why is everyone here fucked?" He said this was the best place to live because it had fucked people and great weather. He said the town should advertise itself as "fucked people, great weather."

About an hour later it was dark out and Dakota Fanning went in her house. Haley Joel Osment stood on the street one block away. The plan was she would call him when her mother was in bed watching TV and then come outside and bring him in.

Haley Joel Osment walked on the street thinking "Dakota said she sleeps naked and her mother is afraid of seeing her naked and so never opens her door at night." Haley Joel Osment knew Dakota Fanning had been involved with older men before and had run away to see one of them and that her mother had threatened to tell the police to arrest the man and then the police had found Dakota Fanning in Philadelphia and Dakota Fanning's father had said "I wish this would all just go away." When Haley Joel Osment thought about Dakota Fanning's father he saw a normal-looking man sitting on the edge of a bed in the morning, standing in an office with a neutral facial expression, walking to his apartment at night, walking into his bedroom, quietly closing the door, screaming in agony, brushing his teeth, sleeping.

Haley Joel Osment looked at his cell phone. "Walking," he thought. "Waiting," he thought. A house had its front door open and inside was a yellow light and people who were eating dinner. Haley Joel Osment imagined either someone running in the house on an insane killing rampage or else someone running out of the house on an insane killing rampage. He walked by an SUV. People in the SUV were watching a movie. They seemed to be Hispanic. Haley Joel Osment felt a little confused. He walked on the street listening to music from his iPod. "Here I am," he thought. "Hispanic," he thought and his cell phone vibrated.

Dakota Fanning came outside wearing pants and a shirt.

Haley Joel Osment followed her upstairs into her room. It was very dark.

She turned on a string of blue Christmas lights that were on one wall.

On the other walls were drawings, posters of bands, photos of Dakota Fanning and other people. "These are Dakota Fanning's friends, and maybe family," thought Haley Joel Osment. There were maybe fifteen glass cylinders on the floor by an electric guitar. Dakota Fanning said they were candles she had got off eBay and used and that she was saving the empty cylinders because they looked pretty.

They sat on her futon bed that was about seven inches high.

Dakota Fanning asked if Haley Joel Osment wanted music. He said he did and she put on music. He lay on the bed and covered his face with a blanket. They listened to "Tripped" by Neva Dinova which Haley Joel Osment had emailed to Dakota Fanning a few weeks ago saying it was one of his favorite songs. He moved his arm in the air and Dakota Fanning touched his hand. He held her body and they listened to another song.

One tear left her eye and he licked it.

"I licked your tear," he said.

"It was a small tear," she said.

"It was salty," he said.

They left her house to hide somewhere until her mother was asleep. "I don't want to go back to New York City," said Haley Joel Osment on the street. "I mean forever. I'm being serious."

"What about your roommates?" said Dakota Fanning.

"What do you mean?" said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning was quiet a few seconds.

"Will they be worried if you're not there tonight?" she said.

"No. I only see one of them. We see each other like twice a week for forty-five seconds. He probably won't notice. I don't know. I don't think he cares. We are adults. We can choose what we want to do, with our lives." Dakota Fanning grinned and said "What are you going to do?" Haley Joel Osment said he didn't know and grinned. They talked about living on a field or maybe the ledge. Haley Joel Osment said he would be too afraid to sleep on the ledge because he might roll into the Delaware River. They ran holding hands across a street. They went in a twenty-four-hour grocery store called Price Chopper. They stood in front of a gas station called Taco Palace and held each other under a very tall streetlamp next to a highway. Haley Joel Osment stared into the distance at a homeless center Dakota Fanning had said closed a few months ago because it was attracting too many homeless people to the area. "I don't know," he thought. "I think we're holding each other like this so we can't see each other and don't have to do anything. We don't know what to do. I should decide something and do it. I feel like she is thinking the same things I am."

They walked to Dakota Fanning's house.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from RICHARD YATES by TAO LIN Copyright © 2010 by Tao Lin. Excerpted by permission.
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